Friday, June 29, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Here's one straight from the pages of Otaku USA. This is what it looks like before all the fart jokes are removed, and it's edited into a semi-readable, cohesive piece.
The Sister Street Fighter Series
It’s late at night, and I need a fix; one of those thrilling, chilling, skull-splitting, brain-bashing extravaganzas presented, of course, in 3-Dimensions of DuoVision. One that can only be contained in not a double, but a double-double feature: the four films of fury that are Sister Street Fighter.
I pop in the first flick, the ground shakes, the sounds of belching, loving, and fighting surround me. I look around; rats scurry, hobos sleep, the homeboys from Harlem show up in their kung fu silks. I take a whiff; stale popcorn, over-relished hotdogs, chain-smokers. It’s 42nd street, New York, the year, 1974. How I got here: a mystery. Could be the power of cinema, more likely the noxious fumes I call farts have me hallucinating. A funky tune blares, I look up at the fifty-feet of tattered silver to see waves crash. That’s it, Toei’s got me in their grindhouse baby, and there’s no turning back.
The familiar sound of a raspy snake, ready to strike, takes over the soundtrack. Only this time it’s not a bush-browed nut-cracker, but a girl, cute too. Japan’s one and only female action icon, Etsuko “Sue” Shihomi, a chick so quick she can pierce a fly with a toothpick.
The set-up is rapid fire; ching-chong music lets us know we’re in Hong Kong. Koryu Lee (Shihomi) gets the 411 on her missing brother, an undercover drug agent working the beat in the Japan, and she‘s on the hunt. Backing her up is the sock-it-to-me Shorinji Kenpo school of bad asses, and the original Street Fighter himself, Sonny Chiba. He plays Hibiki, an ex-race car driver, ex-bodyguard, and current bad motherfucker with his own judo-chop to grind. Then it’s sickles to the eye, and karate kicking in the sky, with Muay Thai killers in polka dot dresses, bad dudes with wicker baskets on their heads, and a Mohawk sportin’ dart-blower with a penchant for African fashion. Director Kazuhiko Yamaguchi isn’t much at shooting karate, but he sure as shit can shoot crazy.
A brief intermission, the Harlem cats ape Chiba’s brutal body movin’. The second feature, Hanging on a Thread, begins and Koryu is doing anything but. She’s up against diamond smugglers movin’ the goods in high class hooker’s asses. Like “in” them, surgically implanted, no butthole stuffing. Running the operation is a master of whip-yo-ass-with-a-golf-club-jitsu, and his back-up: a parrot-parading doctor, his torch-toting tranny girlfriend, and an assortment of karate-killers who are, as Jim Kelley would say, “Straight out of a comic book, man.”
The end credits roll, but before you can say Sho’nuff, the doors crash open, and the Shogun of Harlem appears. But he isn’t looking for Bruce Leroy, he’s here for the return, The Return of Sister Street Fighter. This one’s about smuggling gold through pharmaceuticals, I think. What’s for sure is that Koryu is again up against an army of kung-fools who are less about karate, and more about crazy. This includes series regular Musashi Ishibashi as a cat whose style is apparently Flamenco, and even a screamin’ Zulu warrior.
The crowd thins out, but that’s alright, because Fifth Level Fist isn’t much of a killer anyways. A sequel in name only, O.G Street Fighter director Shigehiro Ozawa takes the reigns and brings in a light crane-kick, instead of the burning back-fist of films past. Even the Shogun of Harlem is snoozing in the aisles, and I might just do the same. Though, it’s been a fun trip, going to the grindhouse, the real one that is, with the big Toei logo and crashing waves to lure you in.
Sister Street Fighter
Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread
Sister Street Fighter Returns
Sister Street Fighter: Fifth-Level Fist
Posted by Wes at 4:49 PM
Thursday, June 14, 2007
And now, the epic conclusion to this scat-tastic tale.
I walked through the very locker room where it all began, then stepped out onto the court where one brave Detroit baller said what was on the minds of all in attendance: "You smell like shit nigga." It was time for gym class, the final period of the day. A period held in the perfect arena for this re-production of poopery: ground zero.
I grabbed a ball as a good dozen of my classmates, including our famed dump dropper, watched from the sidelines. I got warmed up, and began to gain speed. Few were prepared for what would come next.
Like a high-flying marriage of NBA Jam and Michael Jordan, I launched toward the net. My body tensed, my face contorted. A guttural war cry rose from my belly; a deafening, bassy trombone-blast bellowed from my anus. Boomshakalaka: the ball went swoosh, yet I couldn't help but think of Prince's When Doves Cry:
Sometimes I'm just like my father, too bold.Years earlier my dad, in an impressive display of gastrointestinal athleticism, spun wildly and performed a perfectly executed side-kick/fart combo. The result: a solid turd launching out the leg of his shorts, and into the wall.
You've heard the bathroom rhyme of sorrow: "Here I sit, broken hearted, thought I'd shit, but only farted" Well, there I dunked, thought I'd farted, but instead defecated all over myself like a filthy animal. I was brought back down to earth, in more ways than one; it's your lucky day Mike, there's a new brown boy in town to take the heath bar heat. The place sounded like a Def Comedy Jam show. Mike stormed out, which only amplified the howls. It soon became clear that no one really knew what had just happened. I was in the clear. The chances of "fallout" were slim; under my gym shorts I wore a pair of Lycra trunks, which mashed the turd up against my ass. I played along, "pretending" that I had shit my pants. I was soaked in sweat, putting on a big, fake laugh. I let several minutes go by before casually mumbling "I've gotta take a piss."
I darted to the school's rarely used "gross bathroom". But as nasty as those toilets were, it was nothing compared to wearing a fully-packed speedo-diaper. I rushed into a stall, locked the door, and pulled down my shorts; it was worse than I could have imagined. This was no wet squirty turdy, or a damp loosey goosey, it was a fresh baked brownie stamped to the back of my shorts and ass.
I scraped off what I could with the T.P, then shuffled to the sinks to wet some paper towels; praying that a fellow student or teacher wouldn't come in and find me naked from the waist down, my butt cheeks smeared brown. I scrubbed my ass until I felt slightly less disgusted with my self, then took a good look at the trunks; they were a lost chocolate covered cause. Even the gym shorts were a mess. I didn't bother to clean either, I just wrapped them up in a wad of paper towel, and then crammed them deep into the garbage can. But now a new challenge had arisen.
Heading pants less through the gym, and into the locker room to retrieve my school clothes wasn't an option. My only hope was the small towel around my neck, one of the few non-doodie covered possessions I had left.
Soon I was in the, thankfully, empty halls, and maneuvering to the exit closest to the bathroom. The double doors of salvation that lead to the parking lot.
The lot fell under the watchful eye of our Vice Principal, a dead-ringer for Al Gore, who sat in his office window, waiting to catch students smoking in their cars, or making a mid-day fast-food run. His rule was: once you pulled in, you didn't go back out until the final bell had rung. This mattered little to me, as I stood wrapped in a towel, the living embodiment of some long lost, scatological Baby Huey comic. I was a solid athlete, and had beaten members of the track team in both sprints and long distance runs. I knew I could make it. I waited, watching him sit in his office from a crack in the double doors that offered my best chance of escape.
Then the shot from the starter's pistol rang: he turned away from the window.
I was like Arnold and Yaphet in The Running Man. Only I don't have an Austrian accent, nor a black penis. And instead of one of those fancy skin-tight numbers, I was wearing a hand towel with my balls flopping around and my ass hanging out. The multiple criminal charges that could have been brought against me at that point didn't matter; a jail cell would have been a blessing compared to my "accident" being made public. At the time I was too afraid to look back, but I'd like to think that our vice-principal got a glimpse of my freshly wiped butt cheeks before I turned the corner and hopped into my truck.
The next day people asked what happened to me, or where I went off to during gym class. My response, even to my best of friends, was the same, a confused "Huh? Oh, uh, nowhere, I was here the whole time. Why?"
I never came forward with the full story until now, and to this day the incident remains the only known case of someone inadvertently shitting their pants, while making fun of someone who inadvertently shit their pants.
Posted by Wes at 8:49 AM
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The following is true.
A small Rochester Hills, Michigan based high school. The year: 1999. Basketball was in season, and to one Mike N. all that mattered was making the starting line-up. So when his dream came true, and the coach shouted for him to "hit the court", he squeezed his cheeks to hold in a ready-to-drop doodie. A doodie so ready-to-drop that it did just that; partially onto the locker room floor, but mostly into his shorts. There was a mad dash, he scooped up what hit the floor, threw it into a near-by garbage can, then darted out onto the court. The remains of the crapee still in his trunks.
How he managed to keep what was described as a "massive shit" in his shorts throughout the game is unknown. What is known, though, is that players on the opposing team could be heard saying "Stay the fuck away from me motherfucker" and "You smell like shit nigga." A fellow teammate would later describe Mike's spot on the bench as looking "Greasy, like he ate Popeye's, then wiped his dirty ass fingers off on his seat."
Comments about that "shit smell" were made, players dry-heaved, the stench reached the crowd, causing several to flee. Yet, after the game all things doo doo related were kept quiet. An unspoken code of silence was taken by the team. The story buried. That is until a juvenile scrawling on the back of a desk appeared. It was simple, yet poignant; it let you know all that had happened, with a few simple words: Mike shit his pants.
At first the witnesses were hesitant to speak, but soon details would arise. Once they did, word quickly spread. Insults were slung, practical jokes played. The pressure rose and became too much, the hot-tempered pants-shitter had to step forward. He blamed the incident on his Irritable Bowel Syndrome. "I'm sick you motherfuckers" he implored. But him revealing he had a "spastic colon" only made matters worse. A dramatic re-enactment was in order; one with me as the star.
To be continued....
Posted by Wes at 8:03 AM
Friday, June 08, 2007
Unpublished (unpublishable?) review time.
So, there’s this funny story about rape, incest, and social isolation, wanna hear it?
Poor Alisa (Kinkao) just wants to see what’s “on the other side of the ocean,” and who can blame her, she’s been trapped on an island all her life by her perverted papa. He tells her the outside world is a “boring place filled with boring people.” Fed up, she dives into the sea, and heads to the other side.
Meanwhile in this “boring place” one of these so-called “boring people,“ Harumi (Yumi Yoshiki), is partaking in a bout of mutual masturbation at the dinner table with her stone-cold mother-in-law (Kiyomi Ito) while aloof husband Yoshio (Koichi Imaizumi) casually chows down. Mom’s pissed that she doesn’t have a grandbaby yet, and wants to make sure Harumi’s what her son needs in the bedroom.
Later that night, Alisa washes ashore, and is greeted by a gaggle of grimy fishermen, looking for love… or gang rape; when you stink of rotting fish, you can’t be too choosey. After one stumbles out into the street and brags to a local yakuza that he just “fucked a mermaid,“ Alisa gets put to work as a chainsaw-wielding dominatrix at Harumi’s mother-in-law’s fetish club; where a prominent politician dons his finest bib and bonnet ensemble.
Then “boring” Harumi drops her drab-duds, puts on a little black number, and hits the red-light circuit for a little “play”, while Alisa ends up with a sack of cash and a new perspective of the world. Humping and hijinks ensue as these characters join in the night, looking for rafureshia, the “flower of illusion.”
Who would'a thunk it: a light-hearted comedy from Hisayasu Sato. Well, as light-hearted as something from the director of Lolita Vibrator Torture is going to get.
Hitting the pinku scene in the 80s with the impact of a brick to the dick, Sato established himself, along with directors Takahisa Zeze, Kazuhiro Sano, and Toshiki Sato, as one of the “Four Kings of Pink”. They were a group whose pinky pontifications looked less like the biker babe bonanzas of Toei, and more like the transgressive cinema of Nick Zedd and Richard Kern.
The Kings weren’t so interested in getting you hot n‘ heavy, as using the naughty action to reveal the often dark inner workings of their characters. Breakdowns, isolation, and extreme sadism filled their features, and Sato was arguably the most caustic of the bunch. In roughly ten years he created some sixty films, nearly all the stuff of sexual-nightmares, where rapists dwell in concrete blocks, and every character is a naïve or twisted social outcast.
Which makes this slap-stick sex-fest the odd bird in his filmography; with gags involving cross-dressers, katanas, and cutlery to the crotch replacing the vicious violence and emotional breakdowns. Still, there’s gang-rape, underground fetish clubs, and mental and sexual abuse, but it’s the kind that tickles your funny bone.
So leave the raincoat at home, and put away the K.Y. because this isn’t some pallid porno, this is pink, and the King is going to make sure you never make that mistake.
Posted by Wes at 10:49 AM
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Scary-Kate and Trashley, Tom Ooze, Hacked Hogan. This is the best thing in years. Seventy-two individual zombie cards, and ten special Mug Shot cards.
Don't forget to play Monster Mash-Up on their website. I mashed Wreck Nolte, Mike Die-Son, and Melt Gibson.
Posted by Wes at 2:17 PM
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
Sunday, June 03, 2007
So the first issue of Otaku USA has hit the stands, and your's truly provided some so-so movie reviews (though compared to the Atragon review by Sir William Regal, mine look downright caustic), a solid interview (which you can read below), and a cool column with Coco (again, look below). Now, being an asshole, one of my favorite things to do when writing for a 'zine is to see what does and doesn't make it to print. An old favorite of mine is from the Animerica days when "boobs" was deemed too dirty, but "spreading their legs and flashin' the gash" was read by thousands of 12 year old anime dorks, dying to peep the latest on Puni Chibi Princess Neko. While there's nothing that memorable in issue one of Otaku USA, there's still a handful of notables.
Referring to a group of "bad asses" is right as rain, "whip-yo-ass" is just dandy, but you can't move the goods in "high class hooker’s asses" that kind of activity must be done in their "cabooses". "Butthole" remains unmentionable (maybe that's why my grandma called it your "unmentionable"), you can't talk about your "farts" and god forbid you liken them to "noxious fumes". In the context of Henshin Pimp we cannot have our "ding dongs flapping in the wind", nor expose our "tootsie roll heads like an igloo", our "vein like a Shepard's cane", or have our "balls in plain sight", but the "skin on our scrotums" can and will "set the hillside ablaze". A "sonofabitch" should be called a "sonofagun", you can be "sure as hell" but never, ever "sure as shit", a "wound" can be "bloody", but never a "tampon", and above all it's A-OK to have a "long dong" a "cock", and you are most certainly permitted to "drench" something in "semen".
Overall the 'zine looked good for an inaugural issue. Tomo Machiyama is a wild, ranting madman as usual, Joey Coco delivers the goods, and it's cool to see Jason Thompson (gotta grab his book) large and in charge of the manga section. I've got my gripes, but shit, I'd have my "gripes" if I were fucking a One Million Years B.C-era Raquel Welsh in the Playboy grotto while Ralph Macchio cheered me on from the sidelines, telling me I had the "eye of the tiger". Plus, they did make me look good by cutting down my very long, and very dry, Demon Spies review.
One thing though: Moms Mabley doing jumping jacks what is with that chick in the comic's tits? They look like upside mangoes.
Posted by Wes at 3:58 PM
Saturday, June 02, 2007
As seen in Otaku U.S.A issue #1:
Mamoru Hosoda, Boy of the Future
Miyazaki, Oshii, Tomino Anno, Hosoda… Hosoda? That’s what the less militant of the Otaku U.S.A forces may ask, but after Mamoru Hosoda’s latest work leaps onto these shores, you’ll be hard pressed not to place him above the rest.
Fresh from studying oil painting in college, Hosoda started at Toei Animation, and was soon directing shows like Himitsu no Akko-chan (1998) and Gegege no Gitaro (1997). After toiling in television, he used Revel's Bolero to back the near brilliant Digimon Adventure (1999), and followed it with the exciting, yet sweet, Digimon: Children‘s War Game (2000).
Wowing the industry with the double-Digimons, he was invited to Ghibli to helm an adaptation of Diana Wynne Jones’ novel Howl’s Moving Castle. After reportedly experiencing some high-tension he either quit, or was fired; depending on who tells the story. In the meantime he hit another creative high-note with the Takashi Murakami collaboration Superflat Monogram (2003). He soon returned to Toei, and released his frustrations on One Piece: Baron Omatsuri and the Secret Island (2005), a rollicking adventure that doubles as a thinly veiled tell-all of his time at the house that Nausicaa built.
Now, with Madhouse, he’s taken Japanese meta-fiction king Yasutaka Tsutsui’s classic youth novel Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo (2006), and created a modern masterpiece of animation, Japanese or otherwise. I sat down with Hosoda at the Korean and Japanese Animation Today event, where his film played in front of a packed house of animation lovers, and some newly christened fans.
Wes Black: Why did you choose to make a continuation, following (the original story’s lead) Kazuko's niece, rather than a direct adaptation of the original novel?
Mamoru Hosoda: I did it because I wanted to have the actions the main character takes seen from different angles, to create multiple layers. I thought a different view point was needed, because if I made the film directly from the original story, the point of view was going to be limited to just one girl, a really young girly girl. So I wanted to make it from various points of view, that way different age groups will be able to see the same problem from different angles.
WB: Now, in America, when you adapt someone else’s work, the fans can get angry if you change things around. With the book being such a classic was there any adverse reaction due to your new approach?
MH: At first, I was a little nervous about that, the problem you mentioned, but then I realized the audience I was focusing on were the teenagers of Japan, and they aren’t really familiar with Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo, or its adaptations. So I decided not to worry too much about it, and just thought: “It’s okay for some people to get a little angry.” After that I just focused on the teens. And in the end everybody liked it, from the original's fans, to the teenagers; they were all very generous (Laughs).
WB: Did Mr. Tsutsui give his blessing on your fresh approach, what was his opinion of it?
MH: Mr. Watanabe, the producer, had to take the script to Tsutsui when it was complete, and while he realized that the older generation might not understand this new approach, he was still worried about Tsutsui thinking it was too different, but when Mr. Watanabe went to get the comments from Tsutsui, he said: “Oh, this is totally different from the original, but that’s why I like it.”
WB: What about Mr. Tsutsui's work, and this story in particular, appeals to you?
MH: I read the original book when I was in sixth or seventh grade, and when I read it, and this goes for all of Tsutsui's writings, I felt this expansion of the world. I thought there is something exciting somewhere I don't know about. With Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo, it was about the future. I felt this excitement towards the future then. So I really wanted to express what I felt at that time in the film.
WB: This is your first film where you're not working with a commercial brand such as Digimon, or One Piece, how was it directing without the constraints that come with an established series?
MH: I had been making those program pictures for the Toei Manga Matsuri, but it wasn't like a stepping stone. They were for kids to enjoy, and I think that I did my best to accomplish that goal. I wanted to carry over this overall goal to make a film that is enjoyable to people even outside of the program pictures. So I didn't really feel different.
WB: After the success of Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo, do you see yourself going back to working with a studio like Toei on an established series, or do want to create original works, or possibly look to novels again?
MH: Well, I’ve left Toei, and not because I don't like them, but because the environment there just isn't a good one for making animation films. What I mean by that is that they’re too much into being business-like, so it’s not a very strong creative environment. Every year it was becoming harder and harder for me to be more creative. So in the future I'm going to be doing more original work, or adapting novels such as Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo.
WB: You've directed commercials, television, and films, do you approach each one with a separate mindset, or just as an animated storyteller, regardless of length or format?
MH: I've made commercials that run fifteen seconds, and features that run one hundred minutes, but my mindset when I’m getting into these projects is always that I’m making a film; no matter what the length or the medium is. There was one project I did for Louis Vutton, with Takashi Murakami, called Superflat Monogram. This played at twenty-six Louis Vutton stores throughout the world, so it's obviously nothing like a film, because it’s inside these stores, but even then I still set my mind onto making a film. So what I’m saying is that I always have a mindset for making a film.
WB: I wanted to talk about the film you made before this, the One Piece movie. Now, since I watched it I've wondered: did Ghibli invite you over, only to give you a small net to catch a big fish?
MH: You mean about making Howl’s? (Laughs)
WB: Yes, the movie is an allegory for your time at Ghibli, right?
MH: (In English) No comment.
Special thanks to: Yoshihiro Nihei of the Japan Foundation, Rumi Bunya, Madhouse Studios, and Mamoru Hosoda.
Posted by Wes at 5:38 PM
Flush that cheap, knock-off "episdode" down the commode, 'cause it's here, it's here, proving that the end is near:
New JAKQ City sizzles in the morning sun,. Inside Shocker HQ it’s torrid, but far from horrid, as we’re deep, deep inside a pair of ladies divine as a jug-wine, when wham goes the door and we hit the floor.
We’re not ones to shout if caught with our ding-a-lings out, but being it’s Shocker, and we’re in bed with their wives, they plannin’ on takin’ our lives.
We’re like a tornado, a Human Tornado, out the window we go, ladies in tow. Our ding-dongs flap in the wind as we make a thirty-foot drop that we can‘t stop. Now we'll be fine, but the ladies could go straight to Hades. We say “hold on tight” and they squeeze the sturdiest thangs in sight, and like in a movie we FREEZE.
You take a sip from your flask and ask “Just who are these two with Tootsie Roll heads like an igloo?” The one with a vein like a shepherd’s cane is I, Wes “Clack-a-Lack” Black, and to the right, with his balls in plain sight, is Joseph “Bro-Buster” Luster. Combined we’re the insane in the Solbrain motherfuckers known as Henshin Pimp!
How you a pimp, you gotta cane for your limp? The answer ain’t easy nor breezy, but a long, thick and greezy… road that is. But don’t you fluster cause here’s Big Joe Luster with a story ‘bout a cat who’ll take you out faster than a gat, the King of the Jungle with a face lookin’ fungal…
Dig this trip back to 1972, when P-Productions first manned the plan for Lion Maru. Creator Shoji Ushio had these cats strutting big time, transforming under the sunshine of feudal Japan into a lion from a man. The story of the young Shishimaru and his fight against the Akuma Gosun was ready to burst when Kaiketsu Lion Maru dropped on April 1st, but those devils never stood a chance because Shishimaru keeps something magical hangin’ 'round his pants. Unsheathing his sword, he transforms into a beast ready to pounce– his enemy gets trounced before there's hope for a ten count.
But he's not fighting alone, oh no, he's got the jealous ladies about to erupt with the hot little number Kazumi there for backup. "Little Help" also comes in the form of the boy Kosuke; one puff on that magical flute and your head's gonna spin, because here comes Hikarimaru, our hero's own personal Pegasus gliding down with the wind. That savage mane caused his enemies to quake, but they'll be back again, make no mistake.
This proved true with Fuun Lion Maru in 1973, more follow-up henshin action from our man Shoji. These boys musta had mo‘cheddah, 'cause things were lookin' better with Lion Maru going Rocketto way before he got ghetto. This is a new Shishimaru, though, picking up after his bro's last breath with new powers that change him into a storm cloud of death. His enemies this time ain't anything he can't handle, goin’ up against the one thousand meter big-faced leader of Mantle. His story would run 25 episodes, less than half of its predecessor, but give it some time, my friends, there'll be a true successor.
Fast forward many years– 33 to be exact– 'cause P-Productions made sure our boy Maru'd be back. In 2006 so much had changed but the names stayed the same. Like we hinted at before, though, it was time to get Ghetto– Lion Maru Ghetto; or if you want to be PC just call it Lion Maru G, it won't matter to me 'cause it doesn't change what we see. Some new style for our hero and mainstays like Tiger Jo, conceptual artist Keita Amemiya was able to get this lion lookin' like more than a super-sized Chia.
You might recognize these guys from a previous show, a lot of the crew rocked video, design and direction on Garo. As far as the original series goes, this takes place 300 years later, and Maru's up against a whole mess of 21st century haters. This show only bestowed us with 13 episodes, but just lay back and crack a brew, this ain't the last you'll ever hear of Lion Maru.
Now that you heard 'bout Maru, it's back to how we do. No matter how clever or light as a feather, this freeze frame can’t last forever. So we do a fully nude butt-slide down the mountainside. Sparks fly, the skin on our scrotums sets the hillside ablaze, sending Shocker into a craze that will last for days.
Now what else we’ve all seen, well, it’s a long walk home to our under ground thunder dome, and those rascals from Shocker won’t be far behind, so it’ll have to wait ‘till next time. So tune in, same Henshin time, same Pimp channel for the two-fisted wonder of the L.A. blunder and the Louisville thunder that is Henshin Pimp.
Wes Black & Joseph Luster
Posted by Wes at 12:05 PM