Saturday, June 02, 2007

The 500% Original, Wholly Aboriginal

Flush that cheap, knock-off "episdode" down the commode, 'cause it's here, it's here, proving that the end is near:

New JAKQ City sizzles in the morning sun,. Inside Shocker HQ it’s torrid, but far from horrid, as we’re deep, deep inside a pair of ladies divine as a jug-wine, when wham goes the door and we hit the floor.

We’re not ones to shout if caught with our ding-a-lings out, but being it’s Shocker, and we’re in bed with their wives, they plannin’ on takin’ our lives.

We’re like a tornado, a Human Tornado, out the window we go, ladies in tow. Our ding-dongs flap in the wind as we make a thirty-foot drop that we can‘t stop. Now we'll be fine, but the ladies could go straight to Hades. We say “hold on tight” and they squeeze the sturdiest thangs in sight, and like in a movie we FREEZE.

You take a sip from your flask and ask “Just who are these two with Tootsie Roll heads like an igloo?” The one with a vein like a shepherd’s cane is I, Wes “Clack-a-Lack” Black, and to the right, with his balls in plain sight, is Joseph “Bro-Buster” Luster. Combined we’re the insane in the Solbrain motherfuckers known as Henshin Pimp!

How you a pimp, you gotta cane for your limp? The answer ain’t easy nor breezy, but a long, thick and greezy… road that is. But don’t you fluster cause here’s Big Joe Luster with a story ‘bout a cat who’ll take you out faster than a gat, the King of the Jungle with a face lookin’ fungal…

Lion Maru

Dig this trip back to 1972, when P-Productions first manned the plan for Lion Maru. Creator Shoji Ushio had these cats strutting big time, transforming under the sunshine of feudal Japan into a lion from a man. The story of the young Shishimaru and his fight against the Akuma Gosun was ready to burst when Kaiketsu Lion Maru dropped on April 1st, but those devils never stood a chance because Shishimaru keeps something magical hangin’ 'round his pants. Unsheathing his sword, he transforms into a beast ready to pounce– his enemy gets trounced before there's hope for a ten count.

But he's not fighting alone, oh no, he's got the jealous ladies about to erupt with the hot little number Kazumi there for backup. "Little Help" also comes in the form of the boy Kosuke; one puff on that magical flute and your head's gonna spin, because here comes Hikarimaru, our hero's own personal Pegasus gliding down with the wind. That savage mane caused his enemies to quake, but they'll be back again, make no mistake.

This proved true with Fuun Lion Maru in 1973, more follow-up henshin action from our man Shoji. These boys musta had mo‘cheddah, 'cause things were lookin' better with Lion Maru going Rocketto way before he got ghetto. This is a new Shishimaru, though, picking up after his bro's last breath with new powers that change him into a storm cloud of death. His enemies this time ain't anything he can't handle, goin’ up against the one thousand meter big-faced leader of Mantle. His story would run 25 episodes, less than half of its predecessor, but give it some time, my friends, there'll be a true successor.

Fast forward many years– 33 to be exact– 'cause P-Productions made sure our boy Maru'd be back. In 2006 so much had changed but the names stayed the same. Like we hinted at before, though, it was time to get Ghetto– Lion Maru Ghetto; or if you want to be PC just call it Lion Maru G, it won't matter to me 'cause it doesn't change what we see. Some new style for our hero and mainstays like Tiger Jo, conceptual artist Keita Amemiya was able to get this lion lookin' like more than a super-sized Chia.

You might recognize these guys from a previous show, a lot of the crew rocked video, design and direction on Garo. As far as the original series goes, this takes place 300 years later, and Maru's up against a whole mess of 21st century haters. This show only bestowed us with 13 episodes, but just lay back and crack a brew, this ain't the last you'll ever hear of Lion Maru.

Now that you heard 'bout Maru, it's back to how we do. No matter how clever or light as a feather, this freeze frame can’t last forever. So we do a fully nude butt-slide down the mountainside. Sparks fly, the skin on our scrotums sets the hillside ablaze, sending Shocker into a craze that will last for days.

Now what else we’ve all seen, well, it’s a long walk home to our under ground thunder dome, and those rascals from Shocker won’t be far behind, so it’ll have to wait ‘till next time. So tune in, same Henshin time, same Pimp channel for the two-fisted wonder of the L.A. blunder and the Louisville thunder that is Henshin Pimp.

Wes Black & Joseph Luster


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