Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Strange But True Tales of Doodie: The Re-enactment, Part 1

The following is true.

A small Rochester Hills, Michigan based high school. The year: 1999. Basketball was in season, and to one Mike N. all that mattered was making the starting line-up. So when his dream came true, and the coach shouted for him to "hit the court", he squeezed his cheeks to hold in a ready-to-drop doodie. A doodie so ready-to-drop that it did just that; partially onto the locker room floor, but mostly into his shorts. There was a mad dash, he scooped up what hit the floor, threw it into a near-by garbage can, then darted out onto the court. The remains of the crapee still in his trunks.

How he managed to keep what was described as a "massive shit" in his shorts throughout the game is unknown. What is known, though, is that players on the opposing team could be heard saying "Stay the fuck away from me motherfucker" and "You smell like shit nigga." A fellow teammate would later describe Mike's spot on the bench as looking "Greasy, like he ate Popeye's, then wiped his dirty ass fingers off on his seat."

Comments about that "shit smell" were made, players dry-heaved, the stench reached the crowd, causing several to flee. Yet, after the game all things doo doo related were kept quiet. An unspoken code of silence was taken by the team. The story buried. That is until a juvenile scrawling on the back of a desk appeared. It was simple, yet poignant; it let you know all that had happened, with a few simple words: Mike shit his pants.

At first the witnesses were hesitant to speak, but soon details would arise. Once they did, word quickly spread. Insults were slung, practical jokes played. The pressure rose and became too much, the hot-tempered pants-shitter had to step forward. He blamed the incident on his Irritable Bowel Syndrome. "I'm sick you motherfuckers" he implored. But him revealing he had a "spastic colon" only made matters worse. A dramatic re-enactment was in order; one with me as the star.

To be continued....

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