Monday, May 21, 2007

Arrivederci, cocksucker


Bruno Mattei died after falling into a coma last week. Unlike others, I'm not going to pretend the guy was a great filmmaker just because he kicked barf bag. In fact, he was terrible, and directed a load of unwatchable crap, which I, being a watcher of unwatchable crap, of course watched. He was a member of the old guard of Italian-exploiters, so it's sad to see him go.

Here's his latest, though probably not his last, work Zombies: The Beginning. Which, other than being shot on digital, looks like a movie I would have rented from Thomas Video as a kid in Michigan.


When you're done with that, take a stroll down shitty film memory lane:

Rats: Night of Terror


Strike Commando


Robowar

Saturday, May 19, 2007

When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathin'


Fuck the PG-13 rated Live Free or Die Hard, this is the real shit:

Friday, May 18, 2007

Warning: May Cause Wet Panties


Though most of my old Animerica writings were lost back in the great computer crash of 2006, I just managed to unearth this early unpublished "gem". It's kinda shitty, but I still dig it, and thought you might too.

Kabuto

If you don't have a dick and balls dangling between your thighs, then stop reading now. Why? Because we're talking about the manga of Buichi Terasawa here. An illustrated entrance into the world of men. This ain't Naruto ladies, it's pure steel and sex appeal. Our main man Buichi has made a hell of a career creating testosterone drenched tales such as Space Adventure Cobra and Goku: Midnight Eye. All of which seem like crazed remainings of Edgar Rice Burroughs’s John Carter novels by a guy who deemed them too "faggy". Hell, he even contributed to the bloody live-action T&A ninja-fest Kunoichi: Lady Ninja (on DVD from TokyoShock).

"Now let us travel back in time when the everlasting battle between two men begins..."

Ditching the neon-lit future of some of his other works, with Kabuto, Terasawa throws his manly men and curvy women into Japan's Tensho era (1573-1593). It's here that our macho hero Kabuto does battle with the hellish Kuroyasha Douki, who his ancestors sent back to hell long ago. Douki is pissed about being locked up for so long, so before he takes over the world he's looking to wipe out the offspring of those who put him away. To put an end to the hell boy's plans Kabuto enlists the help of a cursed sword known as the "Evil Sword, Flying Dragon" and the might "Four Gods". Which include a hot blond in fish nets, a kid ninja armed with a deadly Dreidel, a Tengu in the flesh, and a wolverine look-a-like who can snap swords in half with his teeth

Although he may cite Akira Kurosawa as an influence, Kabuto is 100% pure pulp (if you couldn't tell already) More The Mucker than The Seven Samurai. It's like the art of Frank Frazzetia put into manga motion, but from the mind of a guy who looks like he's snorted coke out of a whore's ass crack. Memories of Barbarella, Bond, and samurai swords flow out onto the page with a complete disregard for logic. Gadgets that even Q couldn't cook up are wielded by Spaghetti Western heroes in a feudal setting where a Royo babe is never too far from arm's reach. Full metal ninja demons, UFOs, disembodied heads with legs, and raging hell spawn burn across the page at a relentless pace; this shit is hot, red hot. Midway through I reached down for a ball scratch to discover a mound of freshly grown pubes and an extra testicle! So if you think you're tough enough, then give it a shot. If not then stick to your pussy stuff, and leave Buichi to the real men.

Wes Black

4 stars

ComicsOne - $11.95 - 320 pages - NA
Copyright Buichi Terasawa
"One more ball to scratch, and a few less brain cells left to kill"

Wesley come lately


After waiting out the big crowds, I finally went and saw Spider-Man 3. All I've got to say is: you're all a bunch of jaded, sad-sack cynics. What the fuck did you want, Spidey defeating Sandman with a vacuum again?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Game night

Dial that hotline

In front of your eyes

You can see it

too all ladies we are do parties, house calls watever .... we travel everywhere ........ jus hit us up wit a message wit yo number , city and state (Song Request Optional) ........... and we will set sum up ...... the prices are different dependin on wat u want ..... our manager will work wit u ......

Heed that warning.

The Great Pretender

He cannot contend.

We come crawlin'

The Otaku USA HQ. Pre-deadline. How we do it.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Where boiz learn to be boiz

This is my life.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Dream Boi


A candid photo of Patrick Macias outside the Otaku USA HQ.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Eat ya heart out, sucka


Talked to Kane about his role in Shocker, and what the hell happened with the film. Here's the highlights:

- First off, he was shocked that their are people that still watch Shocker.

- He told me that he beat INXS asphyxiater Michael Hutchinson for the role of the construction worker, landing the part after a single audition. Which then irked the rest of the cast members who had auditioned for months to get their roles.

- They had a tarp set up during the scene where he tosses the heart necklace into the lake, so they wouldn't lose it in the water. He said without fail, he sent that necklace soaring over the tarp take after take; no matter how many times they adjusted it. The problem with this was not so much finding the necklace, but that a crew member would have to dive into the freezing cold lake at 5 A.M.

- He was originally supposed to rough up Peter Berg in their scene together, but after Berg arrived on the set, and got a look at him, he told Craven "No way".

- On if the movie was intended to be a comedy he said : "Actually, Wes was completely serious. He's an incredibly intelligent guy, but also kind of a hippy. So he had this idea that Shocker would be a horror film that people could watch while on drugs, and get freaked out. All the producers and executives were really excited, thinking they had something huge; then we went to the premier, and by time it got to the scene with Beaver everyone was like: "What the fuck is this?!?"

- He says that he felt "So fucking stupid" during the scene where he's staring under the bleachers.

- Without me even asking, he re-created his run, and said "How do ya like this body, Jonathan?"

On a side note, Kane will probably pick me up, and snap my spine in two if he finds out I posted that pic of him.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

No more Mr. Nice guy


Shocker just might be responsible for Japan's late 90's horror boom. I hadn't seen this one since it was originally released on video (the sneak-an-R-rated-movie method of choice for an 8 year old Wes Black), and my memory of it was foggy. Until last night.

It's a post-Nightmare on Elm Street shocker from Wes Craven, which tries to recapture the Kruger magic by bringing over the cast, crew, and formula from the Nightmare series. Even the title sequence was pulled from the original Nightmare to guarantee Horace Pinker as the next slasher icon. At least that's what the executives had in mind.

Watching it now I'm convinced that Craven is either half-parodying the Elm Streeters, or having fun and doing some self-sabotage on what was an overly-calculated attempt at making a new slasher franchise. Or this shit just blew up in their collective faces. Any way you cut it, it's a wild, wild, ride that's almost never scary, but is always throwing some insane concept or set-piece at you. Sometimes it even seems that Craven is channeling Sam Raimi, building on their decade long cinematic back-and-forth.

But, onto the Japanese horror thing. I'd scream "liar" right in the faces of Kiyoshi Kurosawa, Hiroshi Takahashi, and Hideo Nakata if they claimed to have never seen the film (well, maybe not, but I'd be thinking it as I kiss their asses). Before you cry foul, keep in mind that Kurosawa has named Hooper's Spontaneous Combustion and The Mangler as major influences, and, oh yeah, he basically remade Shocker as Pulse. He did it very well, and he went in directions that Shocker didn't, but it's clearly the springboard all the same. As for Nakata and Takahashi, replace bald, limping Horace Pinker with a slim, long-haired girl named Sadako and you have the finale to Ring (yes, that part is of Nakata and Takahashi's invention, not author Koji Suzuki's).

Of course that all pales in comparison to it featuring a bit part by former Alice Cooper guitarist, and my nihongo no kurasumeto, Kane Roberts as a muscle bound construction worker. Now, while the folks at Universal couldn't guarantee that Shocker would be the next great horror series, I can guarantee you that Kane will be hearing more Shocker questions tomorrow night than he has over the past twenty years.